I'm wondering where to start at this point! It's been MONTHS in physical time yet feels like years of stretching, learning and growing... 

Oh were to start... how about the most exciting part of schoo

l (for me) - the Special Forces program.... it's designed to push you past your perceived physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits. The results are varying, sometimes I just laugh hysterically b/c I can't believe that I'm running in the COLD at 6:30am and PAYING someone to do this to me when my bed is getting colder and a more distant memory with every step.... one of my personal low breaking points was collapsing into a pile of tears and disbelief on the beach after hiking with a 40 lb pack and a gallon jug of water for 13 miles while my pack pinched a nerve in my hip so badly i had to drag (literally) my right leg the last few miles.... these moments of amusement, joy and mind blowing conditions has created a sense of determination and steel will in my that I never thought possible... 

This program is conditioning us for every aspect of life... whether I end up behind a desk pushing papers, freelancing around the world as a photographer or working with kids rescued out of human trafficking and sex trade circles... learning that I am empowered by the Holy Spirit and capable to fulfill any task before me just opens the heavens to whatever direction my life takes.... this is invaluable... 

Oh! Amazing.... So we had our first Faith Course assignment... I was paired up with Sandra. We were handed an envelope with a map of a small area of Charlotte (near the art district) and a page with about 10 different assignments including: give a prophetic word (word of encouragement for someone) to 5 people in a retail store to get a word of knowledge (ask the Lord to tell you what sickness someone has that isn't obvious) for someone, pray for them and expect them to get healed on the spot!!! insane you think... right? not so insane when....

Sandra and I end up at Wal-Mart (b/c it's late and we need a place that has a LOT of people in one location b/c Lord only knows how long this might take!!!) There we met Michelle and Jessica. We both had different encouragements for both of them but the most exciting thing was that when I went to pray for Jessica (who had migraines), I accidentally called her Michelle - she said that was her mom's name.... without thinking - kinda making a joke I said, "well, where does your mom hurt?" Straight faced, Jessica responds with, "all over, she has Lupus." OK!! Well then... I asked her if we could get her mom on the phone and pray for her over the phone.... she said ya! So there we are... picture this now!!! Sandra and I with Jessica, Tammy, their 2 shopping carts in a aisle surrounded by the neck heating pads you put in the microwave and people walking past.... I start talking to Michelle and tell her the Lord just really loves her and wants to take away her pain... I start praying into the phone while the other women prayed out loud with me.... the phone was passed around the circle and Jessica got back on, asking her mom how she was feeling and MICHELLE'S PAIN WAS GOING AWAY.... she was crying and excited!!! Her status changed ON THE SPOT... Jesus is just soo sweet - LOVE heals, mends and cares for anyone willing to accept it....

There are other stories and I could go on and on and on about the random money we got (that we'd been praying for) that paid for groceries for a needy family (we had to ask God to tell us who to give the groceries to! whether an address or point someone out) and through a strange feeling about a woman at the grocery store we met a friend of hers who is a single mom of 4 kids, very little food in the house and a huge community advocate with no support..... we got hang out with Franz, a recovering addict who was our server at a restaurant who sat with us for nearly an hour just talking and sharing about his life.... when I looked at him I kept thinking of a seed being dug up from poor ground and replanted in a safe place with sunlight and water and someone to care for it... is shared this with him b/c I thought the seed was him - he says he just moved here from Atlanta and is getting clean and starting over and he knows God has put him here for a new start.... how beautiful!

So that is a glimpse into the mental/spiritual insanity I have been experiencing.... on the physical side... Ruth and I moved out of the beloved cabin in Nov... amazing timing b/c the week we were moving out the pipes froze and we had to leave the space heaterS running 24-7 (which is NOT safe!!)  just to maintain 65 degrees!!! So we are now living in a great house with a bunch of second-year students... Ruth, Jenna and I share the master bedroom - I'm learning A LOT about communication, loving rather than reacting and how few material possessions I REALLY need!!!  

So all my love your way, to you and your family.... 

please comment - ask questions - challenge.... 

rAcHeL.....

and time flies again....

yes - it's been almost a MONTH since i've posted anything!!! sooo much has happened! 

synopsis:

. I've been saving every stinkin penny to see if I'll have enough for boot camp and the first semester of MSU.... i just kept throwing the money into an envelop believing it would be there when i needed it.... the day before we left i counted it!!! i had 20. extra for gas! down to the dollar!!! Thank you Lord!!!! Considering how little I was making at the restaurant I'm amazed it was enough! 

. I quit my job at Encore Bistro and upgraded to Sullivan's Steakhouse.... training starts after boot camp

. survived boot camp! BaShEd my shin on the Matrix, a 40 ft. ropes course.... 

           * i jumped like he did, FOCUSING on getting my foot                 on the next platform.... only... at the very moment                   my left foot landed, my right foot thought, "relax...       you made it"..... the right foot failed to make it on                    TOP of the square and instead my shin nailed the                    corner with all the momentum one propels                            themselves with 40 ft in the air!!!! 

* either your laughing or crying! i was NOT laughing! but there was no quitting so we finished the course! squeezing 5 people onto ONE square and one by one

  moving to the next square and so on... my right foot was more attentive!!! Of course as soon as i could sit and elevate my foot, it was swollen and already turning terrible colors.....  all week (this was the second to last day) i had my sights on the Alpine Tower.... today was the ONLY day i could climb it... and i only had one good leg....  

So i climbed it!!!!!! 

(with a lot of help from Stephen my belayer, a few tears and plenty of adrenalin!!!!)

The funny thing is the anxiety leading up to it, the thoughts of 'what if i loose it and have an anxiety attack in the middle of it'.... wasn't worth it!!! 

I had exactly what i needed the second i started climbing! I really thought this would be a big fear-tackler for me... it was exhilarating but not what i thought it would be.... which just means I'll be working through things i never expected!!!!  

* I started training and school the same day!!!! What was I thinking?!?! My schedule the first week was insane.... Sullivan's requires a lot of studying and homework each night! I'll hopefully be able to make bank there so it's worth it.... i finished training last week and my first shift is tomorrow.... 

* a few hours later i was not able to walk without help.... i really thought it might be fractured - it was already green, purple and huge!!! after our nightly meeting i was hangin out with some of the other students (elevating and icing....). One of the girls asked if she could talk to me about some stuff, so we hobbled into the darkenss & sat on the pavement for 2 hours!!! I shared about my experiences with relationships and how I found healing from some serious challenges.... after 2 hours we got up and walked away!!! hello... walked! not hobbled! W.A.L.K.E.D..... it was insane!!!! all i could say was "it doesn't hurt, i couldn't put my heel down before and it doesn't hurt!!!!" i walked slowly to the bunk and fells asleep giggling and dumb founded at the simplicity of healing... one of the girls noted when you bring healing to others you recieve healing at the same time.... that just makes soo much sense! So it's now been a few weeks since the injury and the day my foot got very green i went to get an x-ray. the dr. looked @ it and said it looked like it was fractured, but he couldn't find anything wrong with the bone.... then he said maybe the outer layer of the bone was damaged.... but the x-rays are all clear.... he was confused why there wasn't damage to the bone with so much outer damage but said to just keep resting and icing!!!! a week after the x-rays and many of prayers for continued healing later i'm back to work and have started exercising!!!! and it feels amazing!!!! 

Classes are great - not much structure - it's different each day.... it's difficult to describe.... kinda like cornhuskin'.... you just have to experience it!!!! *i miss you ladies*

OH!!!! 

I started Special Forces last week!!!! 

So Morningstar University's School of Ministry is the core course with Special Forces being the A.P course! So as much as I'll be challenged at the school, SF will take that leaps and bounds further! They train for extreme situations - digging wells in Africa for example (I'm not moving back to Africa.... hear me out!). This program is extremely important to me. This year is dedicated to extreme personal and spiritual development - I want to get the most out of this time and this is the program to be in. 

Last Thursday we had our first meeting (we meet 3 days a week @ 6:30 am for physical training) - right off the bat we did a timed mile, push ups and hang time - pushing ourselves this early creates the foundation we're all working off of..... today we ran 2 miles.... I've NEVER run in my LIFE... i slowed to a fast walk for 30 second intervals b/c my shin was sore... other than that i was doing a steady jog - I never thought I could do that!!!!  

I want to push myself past my conceived limitations.... why not!!! 

SO.... I'm training with the SF crew.... we have a half marathon to look forward to so while I'll see benefits for this in many other areas, there will be a tangible goal with this marathon.... we have to be ready for our first big hike the first week of October... hey! i might be hiking on my birthday!!!! on the list of needs for SF are running shoes (for those that also were never told - buy your sneakers a half size LARGER than you need b/c your feet swell!!! i didn't know either!!! my toes hurt!!!! hahahaha!!!!) and some minor camping gear - like a pack and proper clothing... otherwise I'm set!!! 

* I want to see change.... people changed. Do you realize that every dream, hope, aspiration for your life is sooo possible. What are you passionate about?! No matter what's going on in your life,  there is something that just gets your heart pumping with excitement... what is it? 

I LOVE it when people are given hope - when their eyes light up with the realization that they are loved, they are good enough, there is an end to pain. I don't know how this will translate into an career or calling BUT it WILL be a part of my life! 

This is why I'm @ this school -  to not give up my desire to have an extraordinary life full of passion and adventure.... i know it looks different.... radical, yes! but isn't there a part of you that desires some adventure?! it's there..... find it! 

*** In this adventure is a need for a support network. If you would like to be a part of my support network please let me know. Just reading this and commenting is a huge support! Having people who are willing to dialogue about life and share their experiences is priceless! If you want to pray for me or help with costs there are specific needs I would like to share with you - please email me for those details... rachel.m.souza@gmail.com

Much love 

rach

little epiphanies....

the past week has been packed... with the good, bad, and the funny (b/c there's a lack of ugly).... 

first the good:

i've been having these moments of pure joy..... i mean just a deep deep deep contentment that starts like a gentle rolling boil in my toes only to rise steadily inside of me, escaping with a ridiculous smile & a sweet giggle... at the most quiet moments (i used to HATE quiet!!! now i can't get enough!) i realize i couldn't ask for more. i'm more fullfilled and content with ME right at this very moment lying in a hammock reading a book (just b/c it looked good! not b/c i 'have to' or i feel obligated to read it) than i did in raleigh working 3 jobs & frantically attempting a social life... side note: raleigh was AMAZING - i'm specifically referencing the pace of my lifestyle - not the job or the friends.... To be fair friends would tell me i was overdoing it .... DR would tell me to slow down & i would laugh...i couldn't. i was sooo afraid to slow down, to be quiet and alone with myself.... b/c i wouldn't have enjoyed my own company. so i don't know what this sweet time is  but it will soon be followed by an intense time @ morninstar univ.... so i'm soaking it up while i can!

(meg - a kenyan butterfly just came in the house... where are your eyes!!!!! woman!)

i got to talk to heather taguchi last night!!!! *if you don't know who she is please scroll down to the first blog entry....* it always seems the Lord has given heather specific experiences that speak right to where i'm at.... so here's some heather-wisdom....

.... (speaking of spiritual development) the infant is helpless & cared for (given what he needs spiritually) while the young man energetically & passionatly devours the word - trying to understand God every way possible... but the old man is in community with God - he has taken what he's studied & through it has recognized the character of who God is around & in him & lives in close communication with God...  typed out this doesn't seem like quite the epiphany i felt last night but never the less it struck a cord in me - this firey passion to save the world, learn everything & devour all the wisdom anyone will offer is exactly where i should be.... so again, rather than desiring the end result - to just *poof* know this God being everyone tries every possible way to figure out - i'm in for the rough, dusty unpaved ridin the an open jeep adventure!

.... i asked heather how the whole mommy role was going (her and jeff adopted a beautiful munchkin in taiwan!!!) & she said it was great - that there were moments where the permanence of emilia in her life just hits her.... i of course can ONLY compare that feeling to a recent melt down of "i can't have these cats.... i can't even leave town without having to get someone to take care of them or take them with me.... i'm... like responsible for them....*incert mild panic with a side of 'what did i get myself into'!* my life has been meticulously maintained to not depend on or have to care for anyone else thus far.... i have been completely free to come and go wherever and whenever i please - which has been amazing!!!! but something odd has happened in the last few weeks.... it all started when i got 2 kittens whom i now realize will probably be in my life for...Y.E.A.R.S.... as if that's not enough, i have attempted to grow a lychee tree! the damn thing grows and grows but won't produce fruit for 7 years!!!! (if EVER!!!) 

...so there you go... i have somehow welcomed a few long term commitments into my life.... there's a sense of gravity heather mentioned every now and then but there is also that concrete knowing that is is exactly where we're supposed to be....

.... at the end of the convo she asks me how the finances are coming.... eh. they will get taken care of i say... and i truely believe that. a friend & i had a convo in an airport recently about God & when i said God provides for everything...even the bills.... my friend jokingly replied, "well count me in!!!" but seriously... He does! sort through the bills, the debt and the stress and notice that we (America) are overflowing with recources - EVERYthing we could EVER imagine we'd EVER want.... forget need.... 

what is our standard of living though? what do we aspire to? ....this was not intended to become a soap box!!!! i'm just amazed that although God doesn't just wipe out my debt & give me a new car when mine starts smoking He still is more than faithful to provide me with what i NEED....  i need a lesson in not getting into debt.

i need  15 minutes of blissful exercise riding to work!!! 

my need has always been for contentment, peace and joy.... but i've been too focused on working to afford the 'stuff' that i missed the goodness.... 

*so i say this in complete unwaveringy faith that the money for bootcamp & tuition & rent & bills will be there - however & whenever (usually at the very last minute!) the destiny path that i am on has been determined so if i'm supposed to be @ morninstar.... the money will come... 

*the funny: 

meeko has fallen head over heals in love....scratch that...he's fallen into obsession.... with my socks!!! one in particular.... try to take it from him - i dare you!!! a mighty lion growl emerges from his tiny body, do doubt rumbling his ribs loose!!! so he bounds (imagine... gazelle!) across the room with the sock in his mouth - mid-air he swats it about!!!! he can be found at this moment in a dark corner body slamming it WWF style, growling & gnawing.... poor sock....  i tried to catch him in the act.... but he kept hiding... so i baited him with a sock... but in true older sibling form simba stole the show.... enjoy!   

..... so that's it... well, that's not IT.... but that's plenty of now!!! i had the most amazing day ever... but that story will be told another time!!!!

*make a comment & share your latest epiphany!!!!*

r

random moment.... random pics.... 1am

ok... so maybe i'm just having a moment but while browsing facebook i found these pics.... they just MADE my night!!!! 

me & my little brother (who turned 23 today!!! haha! he's gettin old....)

one of the most amazing summers - living with some INCREDIBLE women!!!! 

jax is in living in uganda now

woos is in Cali

and han just moved to chapel hill for grad school!

nicole, amanda and i @ christi's wedding... 

we were being her favorite cake.... they're the layers & i'm the frosting! do you see it now?!?! 

....*sigh* i'm a nerd!

holding my new nephew for the first time!!!! nicole (see above) had her first baby!!!! we call him dom... or gavin.... i call him please stop crying for aunty!!!

brandi & i at my gallery opening in july.... good times! 

she's a fellow wine-0 

...and we're usually obsessed with kissy-faces about this time in the evening!!!!

one of my last nights in raleigh.... 

laura bean! aahhh...no no.... no ma'am!

prech!

my FAV cj!!!! (yes she is my ONLY cj BUT that's b/c they didn't make 2!)

mikey! quality right there....

kel! my drewry ln person....

....and that concludes tonights episode of "memory lane: the rachel souza story"

much love...... 

(if you weren't on here then POST some pics on myspace or facebook so i can put them here!!!) 

rach

one insane weekend....

so this past weekend i shot meg's (the girl i was in kenya with) wedding in michigan.... when the tickets were booked i was still in raleigh SO i took the train from char to ral.... jessica  came to give me a ride & LITERALLY walked up to my front porch as i got off the phone with my lawyer - the judge gave me my license back!!!! this of course meant that jess just got off work 2 hours early and drove across town for....no reason!!!! she of course visited with the boys and showed me her paint colors for the new house.....so it wasn't a complete bust!

i managed to get to the train station to find out i booked it on the wrong day and it was pulling away in 2 minutes!!!! yes, i RAN!!!! 

....skip the ENTIRE weekend (there will be a post with pics!) & fast forwarding to my train ride back to charlotte.... 

sitting on the train (that was over an hour late!) i'm reading my new book eat,pray,love by elizabeth gilbert (in the charlotte airport i realized i've only been reading books about genocide in africa or relgious books - time to not read something for the enjoyment of it..... so listening to the deeply emotional music of william fitzsimmons (thanks dr!) and eating one of my favorite meals - quinoa, seaweed, pickled ginger, shaved carrots & avacado.... perfection! we come to a complete stop in some random town between durham & greensboro with no station in sight - yes @ this exact moment i'd much rather be driving...moving forward!!! but the trade off is not having to worry about traffic or speeding! i'm inching closer to my new adventure in charlotte & 2 little raskles whom i genuinely miss!

meg's wedding was without doubt one of the most moving, truly beautiful events of my life.... there are layers of reasons why i (along with half the wedding party) melted into a puddle of tears.... finally tired of fighting it i throw my hands in the air in defeat proclaiming, "i'm loosing my shit!" a few shots & 2000 images later the event was abruptly finished....  there are few people one meets whom you are instantly bonded with. words are often unnecessary - as you read each others expressions long before they've form words to express themselves.... (ninakupenda dada!)

the train rocks in u7      [pY&

56

57u bbbb 

(i'm going to leave that little typo.... simba is becoming quite the mac-man.... he says hi!)

back to the train ....the train rocks in sync with james morrison's the pieces don't fit anymore  and i'm already at pg. 94 of the book! i haven't gotten lost in a book this fully since my adolescent obsession with everything horses! from cowgirl boots to working @ a stable in exchange for riding time to fictional series.... no joke! intense times.... moving on! 

this book is amazing... everyone needs to read it!!!! here are some of my favorite parts:

....she's helping a friend in italy with his english.... trying to explain the phrase 'i've been there'

..."i explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. when you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. but if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. ....In return, Giovanni told me that empathizing Italians say L'ho provato sulla mia pelle, which means 'i have experienced that on my own skin.' meaning, i have also been burned or scarred in this way, and i know exactly what you're going through.

so far, though, my favorite thing to say in all of italian is a simple, common word: Attraversiamo. 

It means, 'let's cross over.' " 

I love her honesty in facing her depression & the truly painful places within herself.... i'm all about pulling/pushing the next guy through the 'bad place'..... i may start speaking italian!!!! 

"when i get lonely these days, i think: so BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."      - LOVE it!

maybe i'll ride the train weekly just to have time to read, write and process life! 

*it's now tuesday night & i'm just now realizing i've been on cloud 9 (ish) since michigan!!! it was an amazing experience... i was surrounded by people i instantly loved & felt safe with, i found the book & pure joy in relaxing....

today @ work the manager let loose with some things that were really upsetting him.... he tore into us for a while & the whole time i was in michigan, in alaska hiking up a random mountain (i have yet to visit!) or back in the train reading.... i wasn't even sitting in that restaurant! the pettiness of the things that have stressed me out in the past astounds me! i'm making a conscious effort to live IN the moment - to find joy & pleasure in everything around me.... truly enjoying my quinoa & book when i could have organized my calendar & budget.... 

so there are my scattered thoughts and little happiness's..... 

hope your weekend was great also!!! share some of it here!!!

...get the book!! 

rach

....meet the boys

i've mentioned riding my bike but here's a visual!!!!!   fully equipted with a basket for target & grocery runs!!! oh! notice the sleek design of the handle bars and the latest feature.... ghetto headlight fastened securely  with grape purple duct tape!!!! ah mazing!!!! 

on to a much more exciting part of my day!!!!

  meet the new additions to my life! i thought of a dog... but cats are sooo much easier - moody & unpredictable BUT independent!!!! 

jessica's mom dropped them off this afternoon....

 we bonded for a few hours.... simba plopped himself against me for some couch cuddle time!

meeko has had a rough day - nearly every attempt to jump up on the couch ended in a thud on the floor & him 'playing cool' by pretending to groom himself!!!! once he managed to get ON the couch he slipped on my planner & landed with yet another thud..... after that he sat in the corner and cried!!!! he's defenitly the talker!!! 

after some cuddle time i rode down to the grocery store for some supplies & gave them their first bath!!!!  (mmmm... they smell like baby shampoo!!!) 

needless to say they were less than thrilled.... 

about 10 minutes post bath they disappeared & have yet to reappear!!!!